Mark’s story

We probably should never have got married in the first place

Divorce is a big trauma, but if you keep a clear head and have respect for the other person, you can come out the other side OK. Then at least you’re not in the wrong relationship for the rest of your life. We get on better now than when we were married.

We’d been in a moderately unhappy marriage for a couple of years. I felt more like a flatmate than a husband, and not a very welcome one at that. I said, if we can’t work this out, we should go our separate ways. Maybe I thought she’d want to work on it, but actually, we realised pretty quickly that we couldn’t make it work.

Our divorce started at the beginning of lockdown – we both went to solicitors to work out what we were supposed to do. My parents were divorced and so were hers, but actually, when it comes to it, you realise you really don’t know much about it.

I got a solicitor who gave an hour’s free consultation – and honestly, the advice he gave me was so good.

He said to me, ‘Look, people get obsessed with petty details, and they feel like they need to win. But you’ve been married for 12 years. That’s a long time. You have two choices: you can agree half of everything and do it amicably. Or you can fight her, pay a lot in legal fees, probably end up with about the same settlement and have an ex-wife that hates you. It’s your call.’

He explained that, in his experience, getting nasty costs about £12k, and going to court costs double or more. By the time he’d finished, I was completely convinced – it was my job to stay on the same side as my ex.

You have to hold that front of mind, because a lot of aspects of divorce are triggering, and other people all have opinions too. My parents had given us some money towards the house years ago, and they were pushing to have that back. But I said no. It was given and taken in good-faith, and no one knows what the future holds.

Our daughter has taken it really well. She knew that we were fighting and so, when we told her what we’d decided, I don’t think it was a shock. We said we are still a family, but a family in two houses, and it’ll be better because we won’t be fighting.

The only thing I regret, really, is that we got divorced before it all changed to no-fault divorce. We had to submit faults, and I didn’t want to do that to my ex. In the end, she wrote to them about me, but the ‘faults’ were so benign that when we submitted them, they got rejected because they weren’t seen as significant grounds for a divorce. She had to say more critical things about me and resubmit. Thank goodness that system has gone now. That can’t be good for even the most amicable of splits.

We worked out what was important to us. I really didn’t want to give up my pension, and for her, it really mattered that the homes we each moved on to were about the same size and standard.

We got our solicitors to write up the financial agreement, but basically, we both got roughly half. It took about a year and a half to sell our house, get new places and finalise the divorce. We were living together over most of lockdown, while getting divorced, but we actually got on pretty well. It was all, ‘If you want the table can I have the sofa?’ And mostly it was really fine.

She has already met someone, and I’ve just met someone, too. Were both managing fine financially and, in terms of childcare, our daughter is 15, so she goes very happily between both houses. It’s a 50/50 split based on my work structure as I work out of town.

Read more about keeping the divorce process smooth and respectful

• Work out which of the The 7 types of divorce is the best fit for your situation
• Try our tips and techniques for keeping communication constructive and respectful
• How even the most amicable divorce process can benefit from the help of a mediator