When our marriage started to unravel, I was earning 10 times as much money as my husband
When we first met, we were making a similar amount. But I climbed up the ranks pretty rapidly in my job. I didn’t mind him earning less, and he was on hand to do things for the kids and at home. When we had our third child he was made redundant, and it just made sense for him to stay at home for a bit while I went back to work.
However, it soon became clear that he had no intention of finding another job. I hadn’t signed up for being the sole earner, so that frustrated me. My resentment started to build.
We fell into the trap of busy lives, jobs and small kids, and poor communication and conflict skills. We carried on like that for a long time, but then he had sex with someone else. People make mistakes and if we’d been stronger as a couple, I think we would have got past it. But although I was shocked and really upset, within hours I was thinking, ‘OK, now I have a cast-iron reason to get out.’
For at least a year, he simply didn’t accept that the marriage was over. He didn’t believe it. We were both in freeze mode, because getting divorced is such a huge thing.
I felt like I had made up my mind, but out of respect for the years we’d been together and the children, I tried to have an open mind. But in the couple therapy, I could see he wasn’t really trying – he didn’t read the stuff the therapist gave us, or do the exercises, and so I filed for divorce.
I had rental properties before we married, so I knew it would get nasty. We went to mediation, just for one session, but it went really badly. Once he realised he couldn’t make me stay with him, he stopped trying to be pleasant in his communication. He got mean and went after the money.
It was basically an ‘equal needs’ divorce, meaning we should get half each, but we really disagreed about what that included. He wanted way more than half the equity in the house, and I couldn’t see why he should have half my pension or assets. Also, my parents had helped us quite a lot, and it didn’t feel right that he would walk with half of that.
Giving up on mediation is my biggest regret about the whole divorce. If I had known how expensive and how stressful fighting through solicitors would be, I would have gone back to the mediator until we sorted it out. People say it takes about four mediation sessions to come to an agreement. I really wish I had known that.
At home, it got really toxic, really fast. Neither of us would move out, so we were living in the same house and fighting through solicitors’ letters. Every day I would be having breakfast with my kids, feeling sick and wondering what was coming next.
We had a litigated divorce, really – we each spent about £40,000 on solicitors – mine out of pocket, his on credit cards that I would have to help settle. By the time we had an agreement, we had an actual court date in the calendar.
We basically spent two years in crisis mode. But ultimately, we came to an agreement. He got more than I wanted to give him – about half of everything, except the pension. Within three months, he was gone.
We never did a big talk with the children. They sort of got wind of it, and we just gently explained that we weren’t getting on and that we’d likely divorce.
The only thing we have never fought about is them. They were at the centre of everything – even when we hated each other, we communicated about the children well. We have them 50/50, and it works. They’re doing great at school – they’re happy.
He did pull one last trick, though. He wouldn’t tell me where he was buying until the day before he moved out. Then he sat us all down together and said, “Great news, kids, I’ve bought the house next door!” The kids were delighted, but I was completely lost for words.
But honestly, it actually works OK. I was angry for a while, but now it’s fine. He actually came for Christmas this year, and we had fun. More fun than when we were married. I’m over it now.
Because ultimately, I got what I wanted. I got the piece of paper and I don’t have to live with him. And I stayed in the house. He’s met someone else, I am enjoying a bit of freedom, and the kids are settled.
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Phoebe’s advice Do everything you can to come to a result in mediation. If you think mediation has failed after one or two sessions, go back. Keep trying. It might feel expensive, but quitting after one session cost me tens of thousands in solicitor’s fees and untold stress. Make mediation work. |
Facing the practical and emotional challenges of divorce can be tough, but help is available
- Read our introduction to mediation, which can help you to keep costs – and stress – to a minimum
- Find out more about the emotional ‘Divorce Curve’ many of us experience while separating
- Read our guidance for telling your partner you want to divorce
