My solicitor gave me the confidence to do my divorce paperwork myself
I was lucky – I found a solicitor who recognised that I didn’t need to spend loads on litigation. I completed the documents then just sense-checked them with him, so his bill was really affordable.
I met my ex when I was very young, and he was quite a bit older than me. I lost my parents young and I realise now that because I was actually quite on my own in the world and didn’t have much support, having a kind older person appealed to me.
It was a good relationship in many ways, but in others it really held me back. He was helpful and was the one who knew how to get a mortgage, apply for a job or whatever, but as I got older and more confident, he really didn’t want me to change or grow. It wasn’t that he actively stopped me, just that he withdrew from me more and more until I actually felt very alone. He was a very anxious person, and as time went on, I felt like I had to be on message with everything he wanted all the time, I was never allowed to change anything or he would get depressed or anxious. In the end, there was very little connection between us that wasn’t about the kids. Eventually, I admitted to myself that I couldn’t keep doing it for my whole life.
I tried to talk about it for about a year, but he would either get really distressed or just say everything was fine. He didn’t want to go to therapy or spend time together alone. But when I told him I wanted to end the marriage, it was like it was the first time he’d heard it. He went into complete shock.
There was a lot of drama, freaking out and crying in the street. I was determined to keep things stable for the children, so I took things really slowly. First, I went to a solicitor to talk it through.
The solicitor was amazing, and he said to me, ‘You can’t afford for this to get difficult. You’ve both put about the same into this marriage, and you have kids, so just go for a 50/50 split and try and get him to agree. You can do all the paperwork yourself.’
And that’s what I did. I spent months slowly putting together a document with every asset and every bank account we had down on paper, and a bullet point list of what I proposed we should do. I got the solicitor to check it, then I emailed it to my husband. He was outraged that I had seen a solicitor without his permission. It took him weeks to respond to the email, but I was really patient, because I knew it was the only way. I think he thought that if he just dragged his heels long enough I would change my mind. But I just kept going, really consistently.
The whole divorce was painfully slow, but I just had to wait for him to catch up with where I was emotionally. It actually took three years to do all the paperwork, sell the house, split the assets and move on, but I couldn’t rock the boat because I wanted stability for the kids. I don’t know how I did it, but I did.
In the end, we agreed on everything except the pension. When I was younger, we had agreed I would buy shares instead of getting a pension because he had such a good pension. I had to remind him of this when he didn’t want to share the pension. But in the end, he was reasonable – it just took him a bit to think it through.
We have the children 50/50 – week on, week off. He was able to buy a bigger house than me because he earns a bit more now, and I sometimes worry that the kids will prefer being there because they have more space. But the truth is, they get different things from different households, and they need us both.
The kids don’t love moving from house to house, but it basically works and they are happy. The one thing I am really pleased about is how we manage money. Neither of us gives the other maintenance, we just share all the child-related costs. So I pay to run my home and life, he pays to run his, and then we have a joint account where we spend everything directly on the kids. School dinners and school trips, clothes, pocket money, hobbies, phones, tech, tutors, books, birthday parties – it all comes out of this one joint account. We each put the same amount in every month, and it’s all on an app, so it’s totally transparent. We’ve never once argued about money, because we both want the children to have what they need, and no one can argue the way we pay for it isn’t fair.
I think he’s dating because I saw his profile on an app. That was a hasty swipe-right – but good for him! I want to meet someone, too, and I am sure I will at some point, but I am taking it easy. It takes years to get out of a relationship like that and build a new life, but I feel really good about where my life is going, and I think he will be fine, too.
Natasha’s advice Be patient. If you are the person ending the marriage, you have had a lot longer to get used to the idea than the other person. I communicated everything by email so he had time to think before he responded. |
A constructive, realistic approach can help you to navigate divorce more easily
- Divorce usually brings financial change – find out how to budget and build money confidence
- Read our guidance for telling your partner you want to divorce
- For help with the complexities of the process, find a solicitor who’s a good fit for your needs and situation
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