Avoiding conflict during communication may be a challenge – but it doesn’t have to be impossible
In the months leading up to a divorce, emotions may run high – it’s only natural. One or both of you may be hurting or feeling shocked or saddened by the end of the marriage, even if you instigated the separation. This is when communication can easily become heated. One of you may lose your cool and, as things boil over, contact becomes acrimonious. Communication that avoids conflict is important during divorce, especially where children are involved. So, when there are important, practical arrangements to be made, such as childcare, how do you make sure communication is positive, as you wind down your marriage? Here are our top tips.
Set your mode of communication
If verbal communication is proving a challenge, with tempers flaring and conversations escalating into arguments, try to avoid or at least limit face-to-face or phone discussions until things settle down a little. Why not set up a WhatsApp chat? Just be sure to set some ground rules for it, too – for example, that it should only be used to discuss plans, activities and arrangements for your children, pets or house.
Consider an impartial go-between
If communicating directly with your partner isn’t an option at this time, consider using a mediator. This is an impartial third party who can help you both to agree on issues in a balanced way. This isn’t a long-term solution, but it may help to take the heat out of communicating until things become calmer between the two of you.
Focus on the essentials
During divorce, communication between you and your ex-partner will naturally decrease. It may take some effort, but try to stick to the most important details during any discussions. When you communicate, do your best to keep it brief and informative, friendly but firm. Be respectful. Think of it like a business transaction, where the end goal is to agree on shared parenting or other important matters. Focusing on the essentials during divorce keeps communication brief and makes it less likely that things will become heated or emotional.
Don’t engage
This isn’t the time to share grievances or bring up old upsets. If you or your ex-partner are hurting, it can be tempting to let discussions drift into more antagonistic waters. There will be topics that are still contentious or difficult for you both. Try to avoid mentioning them. The same goes for social media. When you are upset, it can be all too easy to post details of the split or divorce online. Try to resist the urge, as it may cause a reaction and further conflict, not to mention prolong things needlessly.
Maintain a healthy distance
Don’t feel obliged to answer messages or questions right away, particularly if you’re feeling angry or emotional. Take the time and space you need to come up with a calm, rational and considered response. Replying in haste is a sure-fire way to say something you’ll regret and will likely lead to further conflict.
Keep it between the two of you
Asking family for their support while you navigate the divorce process is helpful. However, involving your relatives in any divorce conflict is never wise. Never put family members or friends – and especially not children – in a situation that exposes them to conflict or drama, or – even worse – makes them feel they must pick a side.
Be prepared
Prepare what you want to discuss before any contact with your ex-partner. Having an idea of what you wish to communicate will help you to avoid straying into territory that will cause more conflict. Stick to the facts – and again, keep it brief and respectful.
The official route
There may be occasions when your former partner is acting aggressively or being combative whenever you have any contact. In these cases, often the best option is to communicate through your solicitor. While it’s more costly to go down this route, it can be easier for all concerned. It keeps things official and ensures the whole process doesn’t lose its momentum when working towards a resolution.
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